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Crazy has been a term I’ve heard people use to describe me more than once. It annoys me. Probably more than I let it be known. To call someone crazy is the most dismissive, dis respectful thing that one can ever do to another person. Why on heavens god green earth would I, or anyone else who doesn’t suffer from extreme mental illness be crazy? It’s a rude and low down thing to put on someone. Erykah was right:
They play it safe, are quick to assassinate what they do not understand. They move in packs ingesting more and more fear with every act of hate on one another. They feel most comfortable in groups, less guilt to swallow. They are us. This is what we have become. Afraid to respect the individual. A single person within a circumstance can move one to change. To love ourself. To evolve.
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Transcribing a reality t.v. show on Preppers:
Prepper (noun): An individual or group that prepares or makes preparations in advance of, or prior to, any change in normal circumstances or lifestyle without significant reliance on other persons (i.e., being self-reliant), or without substantial assistance from outside resources (govt., etc.) in order to minimize the effects of that change on their current lifestyle.
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So my 24th birthday was yesterday. My birthday falls exactly one month after the new year so I like to think of the 31st as my very own personal new year. Because, well, it is. This past month has been nothing short of a learning experience for me. After some unsavory incidents happened in my personal life I had to take time to reflect on the people in my life as well as what type of person I am.
Am I living my life to the fullest? Am I being the best person I can be? Am I the best friend that I can be? Sometimes I fall short but that just means I need to strive to be better, as much as I can. These days I try not to be focused on the little stuff that ultimately doesn’t matter. Lately I’ve been questioning the type of people I keep around me. Over the last five years I’ve moved quite a bit so my group of friends are drastically diverse and different. Now I’m trying to weed out the imposter’s from the real one’s. It’s a challenge but I’m starting to wake up and see that I simply don’t need certain people in my life. Like, do we have anything in common? Can we cry on each other’s shoulder? Are you going to do me dirty? Hell, do I avoid your phone calls?
When the “real” new years rolled around I didn’t make any resolutions. You make them and within a few weeks you forget about them. Instead, I have intentions. Things that I intend to do within the year. Goals and aspirations that I intend to achieve by years end.
Here are a few:
Publish at least one piece of writing online
Publish a profile piece in a women’s magazine
Act in a play(?)
Obtain an editorial internship at a magazine or website
Re-connect with old friends
Weed those I don’t enjoy out of my life
Graduate from undergrad
Obtain a secure,permanent, job
Revamp my blog
Write a biography about my aunt
write more poetry
pamper myself more
find a way to make money for myself
do more live performances
What are your intentions for this upcoming year?
Happiness has not been me these last few weeks. As I’m entering my last semester of college a lot of different emotions are running through me. On one hand it’s going to be great to finally be finished. I’ve worked damn hard to get here and a part of me is relieved that it will finally be over. Still, the other half of me is thinking, what next? I don’t know what next and that’s scary. I’ve lived so many lives over these last few years but I’m not sure if I know myself any better than I did before.
This last month has been really trying on me, but January is always like that for me, surprisingly. I’m currently jobless and can’t really afford to be. Bills are not being paid and to top it off, my card was stolen earlier this week. Le sigh. Way to start the new year? This economy is no joke. That is one thing I won’t miss about college. Being broke as hell. It’s been challenging and down right frustrating doing this all on my own. I’m happy that I have the willpower to do it but not a day goes by that I wish I didn’t have to struggle so much. That doesn’t matter though as I’m not the only one in the world who has those thoughts. Such is life right?
But I’m a survivor in the true sense of the word so I know that this too shall pass. So while I’m stressed like hell I’m trying to remain positive and realize this is only a bump in the road, like past bumps that will eventually pass.
When I think back to my life around this time last year I was in such agony. Emotionally I was a wreck. Soon after I moved to Amsterdam and things began to look up. Life changed for the better and I’m so grateful for that move. One year later I’m a better person for it. As I enter 2011 I have to think about all of the things that I’m going to do and accomplish this year. I know I can do it. I just know.
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